ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
At rise: This scene is performed in shadow or
blackout. We may only see the outline of a
figure sleeping. The whispering, seductive voice
of STAN/SHEILA overlaps the sleepy responses of
EVE.
STAN
Are you happy? (Pause, then very pronounced) Are-you-hap-py?
(Pause) Are you happy!
EVE
What?....What....What!
BLACKOUT
SCENE 2
At rise: EVE is sitting at the kitchen table
putting food in a lunchbox with the name ADAM on
it. EVE wears a 1950's pastel housedress with
apron and whistles "Hi Ho...Hi Ho...It's off to
work we go" when STAN/SHEILA enters. This
salesman wears a wide lapeled suit with wide-
brimmed hat, spins a walking stick and carries a
suitcase that reads "ACME SALES".
STAN/SHEILA
Come to me my melancholy babe----eeeeeeee!
EVE
I am really getting sick of that song.
STAN/SHEILA
I didn't think you got sick of anything.
(STAN/SHEILA tries to eat the sandwich. EVE snaps
it away.)
EVE
You're wrong - as usual.
STAN/SHEILA
I don't remember being wrong and I certainly don't remember
anything being " as usual" -- except these sandwiches.
EVE
I'm happy and that's the end of that.
STAN/SHEILA
Okay. So you're happy.
EVE
No, I mean really happy.
STAN/SHEILA
Okay, so you're realllly happy. So who's asking?
EVE
That's not what you said last night.
STAN/SHEILA
What about last night?
EVE
You asked me if I was happy.
STAN/SHEILA
I didn't ask nothing of nobody last night. I was out. And
don't ask.
EVE
Ohhhhhh? -- out there?
STAN/SHEILA
Hey, I don't ask you where you go.
EVE
I'm sure it was your voice and you know I don't go there or
anywhere but here.
STAN/SHEILA
Okay, whatever, I'm a man of peace...so, how about a nice
little game of three card monte?
(STAN/SHEILA turns his case upside down like a
Carney game.)
EVE
Will I win?
STAN/SHEILA
I don't know if you'll win. It's a game. In a game sometimes
you win and sometimes you don't.
EVE
I always win at solitaire.
STAN/SHEILA
You're not supposed to always win.
EVE
I was taught so I would always win.
STAN/SHEILA
I'll have to speak to the Mister about that.
EVE
He didn't teach me.
(EVE looks up and STAN/SHEILA follows her gaze)
STAN/SHEILA
Oh. Well forgive me for living.
EVE
Forget about that, I want to learn this game.
STAN/SHEILA
How about Blackjack.
EVE
Blackjack?
STAN/SHEILA
Sometimes also called twenty-one it's very fast and with
a little luck and a lot of skill -- and maybe a touch of
desire for a little risk you could win.
EVE
I play solitaire and I always win.
STAN/SHEILA
So I didn't teach you solitaire. I wouldn't. It's not my
style. That's not the game, baby.
(STAN/SHEILA pops some alka-seltzer into a glass
and listens to it)
Ahhh, music to my ears.
EVE
Why did you ask me if I was happy last night?
STAN/SHEILA
Look, I can teach you to play cards or dice or even canasta
in a pinch, but don't ask me about last night.
EVE
It was you wasn't it?
STAN/SHEILA
If I want to know something I come right out and ask. That's
my style-- and I don't teach nobody to win all time but me.
EVE
It had to be your voice.
STAN/SHEILA
Anyway, happiness is not my thing. I figure you are or you're
not --
EVE
How could I not be happy?
STAN/SHEILA
Is this a test? 'Cause I think I'm about to flunk.
EVE
I mean I just don't under the question. How could I not be
happy?
STAN/SHEILA
This is one of those rhetorical jobs, right?
EVE
What?
STAN/SHEILA
Like you already know the answer but we're just killing a
little time here--
EVE
Stop right there!
STAN/SHEILA
What'd I say now?
EVE
"Killing time."
STAN/SHEILA
Yeah. So what's the big deal.
EVE
What does it mean? "Killing time".
STAN/SHEILA
It's just an expression. A little existential idea if you get
my drift.
EVE
No.
STAN/SHEILA
Not like flesh and blood killing which isn't my style at all.
I just mean that in the end...
EVE
What end?
STAN/SHEILA
THE end baby.
EVE
I feel as if I should under but I don't and it's making me
crazy. See!
STAN/SHEILA
What?
EVE
What do I know about being crazy, about killing time, about
somebody asking me, no whispering in my ear in the middle of
the night whether I'm happy when God knows I have to be
happy. I have no reason not to be happy. I was created to be
happy. In a state of eternal bliss. What have I got to
complain about, right? Why don't I know the answer to the
question or even what the question should be?
STAN/SHEILA
It's your dream baby.
EVE
I know I heard a voice.
STAN/SHEILA
Sounds good to me.
EVE
What does it mean to have bliss?
STAN/SHEILA
You got it. I don't so you tell me.
EVE
Adam and I have always been happy. That's what he tells me.
That's what I have always believed. So if I have always been
happy how could I know what it means to be unhappy? If I've
always been happy here in this place doing these things why
should I even think about what it's like out there doing
something else. How can I know if I am happy? or worse, what
do I do if I'm not. Oh God, I don't know what I feel anymore.
STAN/SHEILA
Draw one card and hold.
EVE
You're the only other voice I know here, besides --
(EVE points upward and STAN/SHEILA follows her.)
STAN/SHEILA
Which I definitely am not.
EVE
He said I was the apple of his eye.
STAN/SHEILA
So, do I get the feeeling, the impression, the idea ---
EVE
What?
STAN/SHEILA
You're just a little bit (leans in) curious?
EVE
Yes, curious, I think that's exactly the right good word
though I don't know for sure since I've never felt this
"curious" before.
(cat meow's offstage. )
What was that?
STAN/SHEILA
How curious?
EVE
In your game of black jack how do I know if I've won or lost.
STAN/SHEILA
Simple, you draw cards and if you go over 21 points, I win.
If you hold and I go over, you win.
EVE
And if we tie?
STAN/SHEILA
Dealer always wins.
EVE
How do I get to be the dealer?
STAN/SHEILA
It can be arranged.
EVE
You could teach me?
STAN/SHEILA
Not right off the bat. I mean, learning a new game, any game,
well, you got to have some skills, some knowledge--
EVE
--knowledge? Oh.
STAN/SHEILA
It's not so hard to get. As a matter of fact, I think you
could be an outstanding student of the game of choice...I
mean the game of chance.
EVE
You do?
STAN/SHEILA
You just study hard, bring an apple to the teacher, who
happens to be me, and then we take a little break and we all
get to eat those little red beauties.(Pause) You got what it
takes. (seductively leaning in to her)
EVE
What does it take?
STAN/SHEILA
Moxey-
EVE
-what-
STAN/SHEILA
-cojones--
EVE
-what?-
STAN/SHEILA
-apples!
EVE
Apples?
STAN/SHEILA
It's an old school tradition. Bring one to the teacher who is
me, and try to get as smart as the teacher, which is
accomplished by eating said apple.
EVE
Adam said "No" to apples a long time ago.
STAN/SHEILA
I didn't know we were talking about Adam here. I wasn't
opening a school. I thought it was just you and me.
EVE
We do everything together.
STAN/SHEILA
You play solitaire by yourself.
EVE
This wouldn't be solitaire.
STAN/SHEILA
One lunchbox.
EVE
Then I would have to tell him.
STAN/SHEILA
It's up to you.
EVE
I would want to tell him.
STAN/SHEILA
Of course.
EVE
I would want us to do it together.
STAN/SHEILA
Together. You and me, me and him, me and you and him and --
Okay, I buy it! you got it, be here tonight with the Adam and
the apples.
EVE
We would have to eat this apple?
STAN/SHEILA
Yeah. Sure. It won't do you no good staring at it. (Pause)
Any problem with that? ( pick up case and starts to leave)
EVE
Oh. NO...Maybe...Where are you going now?
STAN/SHEILA
This isn't the only game in town.
EVE
Where do you go when you leave.
STAN/SHEILA
I got things to do, places to see -- it's a big world out
there. A very big world.
(EVE stares offstage)
Listen Eve, you seem to be perfectly happy just sitting here
day after day, tending the garden, looking after the animals,
making some great bologna sandwiches....
EVE
Is that a question?
STAN/SHEILA
If you want it to be it is, or it isn't. I mean, you know
what they say.
EVE
What do they say?
STAN/SHEILA
You can lead a snake to water but if you can get it to shed
its skin, well, then you got luggage..
(STAN/SHEILA starts to leave when EVE obviously
makes a decision)
EVE
I'll bring the apples!
STAN/SHEILA
I'll bring the cards -- tomorrow.
EVE
STAN (or) SHEILA ? What's tomorrow?
STAN/SHEILA
It's what comes after today.
EVE
Is it good?
STAN/SHEILA
In your case -- it's a great beginning.
(STAN/SHEILA closes his case, puts on his hat,
takes his cane, tips his hat and starts off)
EVE
What are you?
STAN/SHEILA
I'm a salesman.
EVE
That's all?
STAN/SHEILA
Being a good salesman is hard work. You'll see.
EVE
What's in your case?
STAN/SHEILA
A little of this, a little of that, when things get slow --
whoosh... aluminum siding. So. Will I see you and the Mister?
EVE
(pause) Yes.
STAN/SHEILA
Sure you can speak for the Mister too?
EVE
Yes I can.
STAN/SHEILA
You're a fast learner honey.
EVE
Is that good?
STAN/SHEILA
It's very good. You'll see. You need to be fast.
EVE
Is it like bliss?
STAN/SHEILA
Can't say.
EVE
But it's not like solitaire?
STAN/SHEILA
Oh, no baby 'cause when you win at this game, it's a whole
lot better.
(Exits. EVE picks up the lunchbox)
EVE
Adam? Adam? Could I talk to you honey?
(EVE abruptly puts the lunchbox down, takes off
apron and changes her demeanor.)
Adam -- I'd like to talk to you right now. (Exits)
BLACKOUT
END OF PLAY
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© 1998 Halem Studios
Last updated September 1998
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