ACT ONE
SCENE 1
VERN'S PATIO.
VERN is working on his barbecue. FRANK
stands distracted and aloof.
VERN
Hell, Frank, it's just dreams. If they were anything good
you'd remember 'em when you were awake. Frank! You listening
to me?
FRANK
I just never had one keep coming back, that's all.
VERN
Buddy, be happy something keeps coming back! (Pause) You're
beard getting heavier? Frank?
FRANK
I don't know. I shave every morning, same as usual.
VERN
I shave in the morning, but now I gotta shave at night, too,
if I want you know...anyway, Gwen says my face is like
sandpaper and when I checked, the hair does seem to be
heavier, like it's growing faster during the day. Hell, when
I was seventeen I would have killed for that. Now, it's just
a pain in the ass.
FRANK
I can never see his face.
VERN
Were you listening to me at all?
FRANK
Mike keeps saying over and over, "Don't shoot, don't shoot"
and I can see a car and hear the rain and even see this guy
holding a gun, but I can't see his face. It's just a big
blur, you know. I can't see his face.
VERN
Has this guy been drinking?
FRANK
How the hell should I know if he's been drinking! It's a
dream, Vern, you said that yourself !
VERN
Well, don't bite my head off. You're the one with the
nightmares.
(doorbell rings )
Would you get that. Now that Jenn lives on campus she thinks
she should be treated like a house guest. Hell, I told her,
this isn't a bed and breakfast but Miss College Student
still won't carry a key.
(FRANK EXITS and VERN turns TV up )
I tell you, Woodson, it's going to be a great afternoon for
the Buckeyes, I can feel it in my bones.
(TV buzzes and he bangs it)
I hope to hell Gwen paid that damn cable.
(bangs it again)
Frank, you having trouble with your cable? (yelling)Frank?
You having trouble with your cable.
FRANK (O.V.)
I can hear you just fine.
VERN
All right. All right.
(bangs it one last time)
FRANK
(Returning)
She needed five bucks for the movies.
VERN
Christ, she thinks this place is a god damn drive-thru. You
know, who thought we'd be driving right up to these little
machines and watching them spit out money, only this money
machine is me.
(Hands FRANK the money)
I hope to hell she paid that cable bill.
FRANK
Maybe it's the set.
VERN
What's wrong with my set.
FRANK
You've had it forever.
VERN
I like this set. I own it outright which is why I probably
like it and why it will probably break.
FRANK
It's as old as the kids.
VERN
Fine, it doesn't borrow money from me. Whoever thought we'd
be paying money to watch these things anyway. Good, there it
is. So, where's my beer and how many you want?
FRANK
Coffee's fine. Cream, no sugar.
VERN
You're fucking weird today, Woodson.
FRANK
Hell, I know where it is.
(FRANK picks up the thermos and pours himself a
cup of coffee )
VERN
How many points. Football, Remember?
FRANK
Gimme three.
VERN
Ohio State's been playing like shit and you want three?
FRANK
(Pause)Okay, I'll take Michigan and give you three.
VERN
Oh, a couple of bad breaks and you turn on us.
FRANK
Christ Vern, you just said the team looked like shit !
VERN
Look Buddy, it was just a dream. Your eyes were closed and
your brain was asleep. Now you're awake and it's Saturday and
you're here at your best buddy's house to watch a little
football and lose a little money.
FRANK
I'm fine. Ohio State by eight.
(FRANK stares blankly at VERN)
VERN
Wait a minute, buddy, I don't own anything but a billy club,
a utility knife and a cracked pistol Gwen's brother brought
back from Germany when he was in the infantry.
FRANK
I never said it was you.
VERN
But you never said it wasn't.
FRANK
I can't see the face.
VERN
But you do see a big fucking shotgun don't you.
(to the audience as JURY)
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I want it on the record
here and now that Vern Wiley never has, and never will own a
big fucking shotgun.
(laughing and grabbing Frank)
He owns the shotgun. (laughs) Hell, he owns a dozen shotguns,
a few rifles and God knows how many----
(FRANK starts walking away )
I'm just kidding, buddy.
(FRANK exits )
Frank, where you going?... the game's just starting !
(TV blares then goes blank)
Shit!
SCENE 2
WOODSON TV ROOM. MORNING.
ANNIE is in front of the TV, drinking
coffee and watching the "Soaps" while
she does her warm up exercises as
MICHAEL creeps up behind her.
MICHAEL
Boo!
(ANNIE throws him to the floor, and then sees his
face)
That's some welcome home.
ANNIE
JEEEEZUZ, Michael, don't you ever do that again!
MICHAEL
I certainly won't. Ouch !
ANNIE
It serves you right.
MICHAEL
Why? What sins have I committed lately?
ANNIE
Sit over here and let me rub your neck
MICHAEL
How did you know my neck hurt?
ANNIE
It's suppose to. I mean if I did it right it's suppose to
hurt like hell, right here.
MICHAEL
Ouch !
ANNIE
I did it right.
MICHAEL
Are we still related?
ANNIE
You're obviously my stupid older brother.
MICHAEL
Obviously, so why were you trying to kill me?
ANNIE
--You don't just sneak up behind me...people...women...--
MICHAEL
--I'm your brother --
ANNIE
--when they don't know what's going on...
MICHAEL
This is our home. Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and me, cute little
baby bear, remember?
ANNIE
Otherwise you might just get your neck broken.
MICHAEL
You use to love me scaring you.
ANNIE
You loved it. I peed my pants.
MICHAEL
Maybe you should have kicked me to death or permanently
crippled me so I'm no longer a threat to--
ANNIE
Oh, Michael, I missed you so much!
(ANNIE alternately kisses him, then shoves him
away and goes to get coffee all in one motion. )
MICHAEL
And then again maybe you should just get me a cup of coffee.
So, I guess you hated the horror movies too?
ANNIE
You're lucky I didn't die right there in the theatre.
MICHAEL
You shouldn't drink that stuff. It'll make you jumpy.
ANNIE
Sixteen is jumpy!
MICHAEL
Who told you that?
ANNIE
Vern Riley.
MICHAEL
Nostradamus of the Midwest speaks again !
ANNIE
You live in a world of total unreality. I know what's real.
MICHAEL
So, tell me, what's real.
ANNIE
Everyday - sometimes two or three times a day, perfectly
innocent women, just like me, get raped or killed or worse
right in their own living room, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom,
just brushing their hair or taking their clothes out of the
dryer?
MICHAEL
What's happening here?
ANNIE
Here is everywhere and everywhere is here, Michael.
(Gets a cup of coffee and turns up the TV audio
which becomes a tug of war between them)
MICHAEL
This is not reality.
(MICHAEL turns off the TV)
ANNIE
Or maybe you want to know about the girl in my dance class
that left one night on her bike and never got home and later
they found her body stuffed in the trash.
MICHAEL
Jesus, Annie --
ANNIE
Is that real enough for you - Mister Emergency Room!
MICHAEL
Look, I'm sorry I scared you, I promise I won't sneak up
behind you anymore, and (pause) I'm sorry about your friend--
ANNIE
---Good, 'cause it was her brother that did it!
(ANNIE turns on the TV)
MICHAEL
You win! I'm incredibly stupid. But I'm home now and I want
to spend some time with you before Mom comes home? What time
does she get off work?
ANNIE
She comes in by 4, but she won't talk to you.
MICHAEL
She hates me too?
ANNIE
No, she loves you, too, but she'll still go right up into
that kitchen after she's kissed you hello, and stay up there
cooking and cleaning, chopping and scrubbing with the radio
blasting in her ears 'til he gets home.
MICHAEL
Who's "he"?
ANNIE
I hate you're being so far away.
MICHAEL
Annie? Who's HE!
ANNIE
HE is Dad -- Frank George Woodson -- and why do you have to
live in hell.
MICHAEL
It's only Cincinnati and why are you talking like this.
ANNIE
It's prison, exile...the Gulag and this is the way I talk.
MICHAEL
They like me there. You used to like me.
ANNIE
Here. I liked you here. We need you here, Michael. We need
you here right now!
MICHAEL
It's only a few hours away. Once you get your license you
can come down to visit.
ANNIE
You could get a job here tomorrow. There's lots of sick
babies, I ought to know, half the girls in my class are
having them.
MICHAEL
Annie, slow down, please, you're scaring me. I'm home. I'm
home.
ANNIE
How long?
MICHAEL
I am yours completely...
ANNIE
How long.
MICHAEL
'Til Wednesday.
ANNIE
That's not long enough!
MICHAEL
For what?
ANNIE
It's not enough time.
MICHAEL
Talk to me.
ANNIE
I won't let you go back. I'll keep you here, like a hostage.
I saw that on the TV. A woman kept a man tied up in her house
for three months.
MICHAEL
It was a movie.
ANNIE
Maybe.
MICHAEL
Look, that hospital is the best place for me. I thought you'd
be happy for me.
ANNIE
You said it was the biggest hospital, not the best, and Dad
says you could empty bed pans anywhere!
MICHAEL
(Hands in the air)
Okay, I give up.....what do you want?
ANNIE
Here.
(ANNIE holds out a scarf)
MICHAEL
No games.
ANNIE
Take it.
(MICHAEL takes the scarf)
And make it so tight I can't see anything.
MICHAEL
(in fake pirate's accent)
I'll make it so tight, me lassie, yer eye's'll pop out of
yer head and roll out all over the floor.
ANNIE
Spin me around, just the way you use to, and no more bad
accents.
(MICHAEL spins her around)
Now pick out a volume from the encyclopedia.
MICHAEL
Any one of them?
ANNIE
In your head! Just the letters. (Pause)Got it?
MICHAEL
Yep.
ANNIE
What is it?
MICHAEL
"K."
ANNIE
No, not that one!
MICHAEL
"R." for ridiculous.
ANNIE
Turn out the light.
(MICHAEL turns it off)
Ouch !
MICHAEL
Annie?
ANNIE
No, I'm fine. I've found it. You'll see. It's right here
and I've found it in the dark.
(MICHAEL turns on the light)
See it was too dark to cheat unless I was a bat.
MICHAEL
You are a bat.
ANNIE
I told you it'd work.
MICHAEL
"R."for ridiculous. What's going on here?
ANNIE
It's your turn now.
MICHAEL
Annie, I protest. It makes me sick to spin around.
ANNIE
Humor me. It's important, Michael. Please. Just humor me.
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© 1998 Halem Studios
Last updated September 1998
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